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 | | Daily reported coronavirus cases in the United States, seven-day average.The New York Times |
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For nearly two years, readers have been sending me heartbreaking notes about how the pandemic is tearing apart their families. |
You've told me about decades-long marriages that have dissolved over differences in opinion on vaccination, siblings you no longer speak to because of clashes over virus restrictions and family relationships that have become ever more strained during the pandemic. The holiday season seems to have added fuel to this already raging fire. |
So to help us navigate these Covid-strained relationships, I spoke to Claudia Allen, director of the Family Stress Clinic and director of behavioral science in the Department of Family Medicine at the University of Virginia. Our conversation has been condensed and edited. |
Is the pandemic causing more family issues than usual? |
It's normal for family members to have conflict, especially around the holidays. But it's been severely exacerbated by Covid because the stakes have rarely been this high. It's rare that decisions that we make about how to spend our time can have life or death consequences. And because of these consequences, people's emotions are running hotter than ever. So if you already have tension with a sibling, that tension, under the circumstances of a potentially life or death decision, is going to skyrocket and potentially boil over. |
How can we navigate these strained relationships? |
There are two important principles at play here, and you should try to attend to them both. The first is safety. Everyone needs to keep up with the science and make the best decision for their family. The second principle is relationships. We're often talking about important, sometimes lifelong relationships here, and they need to be protected and nurtured even in Covid times. |
If you have to say 'no' to a gathering due to safety, make sure to express that you still value the relationship, like: "I'm sorry, we don't feel safe coming since you guys haven't been vaccinated. I really hate that we won't be able to meet in person. Do you think we can plan to FaceTime, or take a walk, or plan an outdoor event?" |
In the worst-case scenario, they raise the stakes and counter by arguing that, "it's silly to be worried if you're vaccinated," or something like that. In that case, I still think it's best to calmly restate your position and suggest that you use the phrase: "I think we're going to need to agree to disagree." |
It's helpful to resist resorting to an ultimatum in the heat of the moment. By no means do I think that means that you shouldn't stick with your own principles. You should. But I think if you can give your family members some grace, even if you disagree with them, and maintain the relationship, that's probably better for your emotional health in the long run. |
How can you repair a relationship if you've already had a falling out? |
I think it's helpful to get clear in your own mind why the relationship is important to you and decide that you're pursuing that goal. You shouldn't just be apologizing for the sake of apologizing. |
If you want to make up, it should be because you really do value the relationship and perhaps you regret the words you said, or maybe even just your tone. You could reach out to someone who you've been estranged from, and let them know: "Hey, I really miss you. I miss talking with you. I regret that we had such harsh words over this difficult topic. I'm wondering if we can agree to disagree and start anew." |
Are there cases when people should simply move on? |
There are cases where people should move on, but I say they're relatively rare and I generally advise people to really take their time in making a decision like that. |
But if someone, let's say, repeatedly disregards your safety boundaries, and talking to them has done nothing to change the situation, then you may have to set stricter boundaries around the situation. |
So if your sibling babysits for your child but won't honor your safety precautions, you may have to decide that they can no longer babysit your child at least for the present. Maybe they can't babysit, but maybe you can still talk with them. Or maybe you can talk with them sometimes, but you have to hang up if they start getting abusive. |
Or maybe if they're abusive every time, then you can't talk to them at all. Hold your boundaries as you need to and cut the person out of your life as little as is necessary. |
What our readers have learned |
We asked readers to share how they were navigating family discord during the pandemic. Thank you to everyone who wrote in with personal experiences. |
"The pandemic has strained relationships on all fronts — within our immediate family unit, as well as my husband's siblings and my own siblings. But sharing recipes is a common ground that transcends any pandemic discord. With the interest of gifting my three young adult sons a document of their culinary heritage — but also as a way to bring the family together — I am creating a cookbook that brings together the traditional foods of both families. I have asked every family member on both sides to submit their favorite recipes to me. There has been a lot of fun-loving chatter over the past month as we all work together toward this common goal." — Susan Dichter, Litchfield, Conn. |
"My mother lives with me, my wife and our 1-year-old daughter. Early in the vaccination push, she refused to get the shot. Instead of arguing with her, we gently asked her to list her concerns and offered to research them on her behalf. When we presented fact-based responses to the issues she raised, she appreciated the gesture and agreed to get vaccinated. Imagine that — addressing legitimate concerns through scientific data and truth. What a concept!" — Allen K., North Carolina |
"I've stopped trying to reach over the proverbial bridge in the name of 'friendship' or 'family.' I've become unapologetic about my boundaries: You can come to dinner in our house if you're vaccinated. Mi casa es su casa if you wear a mask while indoors. I've come to acknowledge that my experience is just that — mine. I've stopped sharing with those who I feel would not respond in a supportive way, and I have embraced those who have offered support. I drew closer to those who are like-minded and stopped feeling guilty about distanced relationships with those who are not." — Ammura Hernandez, Asbury Park, N.J. |
"I try to act as a buffer and, with all my strength, I refrain from engaging in debate or discussion. And I have to try to talk down other family members who would prefer to just say what they really feel. So I play the role of reminding everyone that it is completely pointless and won't change anyone's mind. It's living in constant tension and completely exhausting." — Josephine Stacey, Staten Island, N.Y. |
"My husband and I are trying hard to understand where his parents are coming from with their fear of the vaccines. My husband is attempting to mediate between his father and his brother, encouraging them to find common ground and get together soon with precautions in place. I believe he is making headway with a small Christmas gathering, outside, to begin the healing process. Time will tell." — Emily Garner, New Bern, N.C. |
"I decided to use my heartfelt feelings plus Christmas traditions to change my son's mind. I abandoned science and spoke from my heart. I wept as I told my son that, for the first time in our lives, I could not spend Christmas with him, as I could not risk losing my life, or his father's or brother's lives, due to his possible exposure to and contraction of Covid-19. He solemnly listened. No debating. Two weeks later, he was vaccinated. A Christmas miracle!" — Trish Gallagher, Westchester, N.Y. |
What else we're following |
Yesterday's newsletter misstated a report from NPR about the cancellation of college bowl games. The report said more college bowl games had been canceled, not most. |
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